USELESS  thingy

Here, we discuss all manner of pointless or fucked up objects. Why? Because there are so many of them.

Accouterments Finger Puppet Hand - $9.35 for ten on


This is a life-like tiny hand that fits on the tip of an adult finger. Placed in your palm, it conjures the 1980 photo by Mike Wells, of a healthy adult hand, forensically holding a starving Ugandan child’s withered fingers. Punk rockers might recognize it on the cover of The Dead Kennedy’s album, Plastic Surgery Disasters.


The material of this teenie weenie mitt is perversely soft.  The vinyl has a  shore hardness reminiscent of that Fleshlight you hid in a steel pipe behind your church’s maintenance shed, when you were thirteen. The one that you eventually discovered mysteriously missing when went to pay your biweekly visit. Yes, that one.


Cassidy Yasell, verified Amazon purchaser, has pioneered a use for this useless thingy. She writes, “I keep these in a decorative bowl as a centerpiece on my dining room table. It's a good ice breaker when company is over lol.”


Okay, Cassidy. We will certainly LOL when the neighbor’s kid eats one, thinking it’s a complementary gummy.


L. Bertoldi, another verified purchaser, is not so giddy. She writes, “8 light skin tone and 2 dark skin tone - are you KIDDING ME? No mention of mixed skin tones in product description and photo shows matching hands.”


L, is that a gripe about the racial and physical impurity of your Accouterments Finger Puppet Hands? Tisk, tisk. Fleshy vinyl comes in all colors, and some people would give their left arm to have two right hands. Dig it, or be doomed to your bigoted enclave on the other side of the mountain.